Looking for the SEC WARS: The Courtesy Flush? Right here.     DODGE STRATUS ANGER TYSON   It's clear this past weekend was a day when those robed keepers of football fates giddily ran down the circular staircase beneath the temple, made their way to the south room with the circular door, and stood before the great wheel. They walked to the wall, found the garnet and black orb in its place on the wall, removed the little visor on it, and dropped it into the base. Then they pushed the button...memories of past smugly-delivered beatdowns raced through minds and The Mighty Wheel of Insufferable Vengeance creaked to life and began to spin, passing such fates as NKOTB, Typhoid fever, Sweatervest of Scorpions, Hasselhoff Hopscotch, and Jock-Itch-But-No-Hands, finally settling on boring but certainly effective "Possessed Field." We were hoping for a pack of grass hyenas and massive Army ants to disembowel the Old Bawl Coach, but we had to settle for the ref putting a lick on the QB. They'll be no Vengeance wheel needed this week when the Gawja Bolldaugs roll into town; the viciousness of this tussle has even the football gods nervously looking around, not sure of what is about to be unleashed. One thing is for sure: when the Jawgia Buhldogz appear in the area, you'd best have plenty of ponchos around to keep you from getting soaked with tears and hype. The preseason #1 ranking proved to be an allergen for the Jhwhorejia Buldahwgs, who responded by coughing up phlegmediocrity and gobs of sucksnot. That top ranking was given to them largely based on their final performance last year, which was a blitz of petulant tantrums and bull rush out of both niggle and whine packages. Both Giorgia and LSU played in New Orleans at year's end, but only one team played a band of rainbow fighters, while UGA had to play Hawaii. Despite not even meeting on the field last year, a caustic rivalry took seed from of the mouths of pundits. This plant took root and grew sturdy...first from a heavy shower of Jiorjha tears and thick-tongued drool and second from brilliant sunshine reflected by our crystal footballs. We decided to pitch a pup tent and speak with A Leading Student Organization's Representative And New UnderGrad Ambassador: ALSO-RAN UGA: Hi there. TROUGH: Here [hands Kleenex] ALSO-RAN UGA: I don't understand. TROUGH: Pre-emptive measure. Sorry to hear about UGA. ALSO-RAN UGA: Oh, that's nice of you, thanks. He was a great mascot. TROUGH: What? Oh, no...I meant sorry to hear about UGA not fulfilling any expectations. ALSO-RAN UGA: Ok...am I in the right place? TROUGH: Well, we're only a short distance from a national championship trophy, so probably not. ALSO-RAN UGA: Nice. Got it. Good to meet you. TROUGH: Yeah, I think this is the first time. You should have just come to Atlanta; we were there in December. ALSO-RAN UGA: Right. We're off to a great start. TROUGH: Too bad this isn't the Alabama game, huh? ALSO-RAN UGA: We mounted a vicious comeback in the 2nd half, but it wasn't enough. TROUGH: Y'all totally mounted. But doesn't that count as a victory in Athens? I mean, it's clear that UGA was playing the best at the end, and that's all that matters. Doesn't the team that played better at the end just get the win? ALSO-RAN UGA: You wouldn't have wanted a piece of us at the end of last season. TROUGH: What's with the mounting? Listen Top-Sider, even if we had, where would we have played? LIKE I SAID, WE CAME TO ATLANTA. Where were you? ALSO-RAN UGA: It doesn't say anywhere that you have win your conference. TROUGH: Well, at the local kiddie pool, nowhere does it say that I can't dump in a wheelbarrow of leeches. I've also read the general pool signs and I don't see any rule that says I can't fill children's goggles with chili and get them to pay me and tell them that the goggles are really Mars Viewers. ALSO-RAN UGA: Huh? TROUGH: Yeah, I pointed out to one kid the Mars Rover, which was really just a Frito. He got mad because I ate the Rover. I pushed him in the kiddie pool. Some of the kids still had chili-eyes and thought he was a Martian when he got out, covered in leeches and shrieking. He sounded like a UGA fan watching the BCS results show. ALSO-RAN UGA: I have no idea where this is going. TROUGH: Look, it's easy, Sugar. Let's say that your season begins as a beautiful piece of meat - a big hunk of round, smooth and marbled, and appealing to the voters. And of course, pre-seasoned - it's #1. But you don't have the right ingredients and the next thing you know it's covered in cinnamon, dill, vanilla extract, and Cookie Crisp. A couple of cuts here, and a little Nick turns into a big gash, and reveals a lot of gristle and connective tissue, so you're left with one option: grind it. Once it's ground, the best option is chili, and even that doesn't have all of the right elements. Maybe you don't have enough cumin, or you only have rotting onions, which make you cry. So you're left with a terrible chili of a season...really just a meat soup. But they say there is life on Mars...that they have found water. But your beefwater is already kind of watery, so it's even more gross. ALSO-RAN UGA: [staring, bewildered] TROUGH: I bet you're hungry, aren't you. HONGRY AS A DAWG. ALSO-RAN UGA: Is this some kind of stunt? Am I on camera or something? TROUGH: If you were, would you get the rest of the team to come out and pat you on the back like this was the first interview you'd ever done? ALSO-RAN UGA: That was no stunt. TROUGH: Oh, that's richt coming from you, Mr. OMG-I-tore-my-jersey-and-it's-black, now-I'm-evil-Superman! ALSO-RAN UGA: The black jerseys are awesome. TROUGH: As contrived motivational ploys, absolutely. I think a stuntman is going to wear one for his stunt at the game, which is kind of ironic. ALSO-RAN UGA: There's going to be a stuntman at the game? TROUGH: Yes. He's going to jump a motorcycle over the Richts' open mouth makeout session. The stuntman was initially afraid but we showed him some clips and he thinks he can make the jump by riding the plumes of hot, cheap air emanating from Richt's mouth. He's going to land on a pile of shredded red jerseys and preseason polls. The show is called CODE RED: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE HYPE. ALSO-RAN UGA: This is ridiculous. I should have never come. TROUGH: Why do you say? This isn't like a BCS Championship Game where you wouldn't have fit in. ALSO-RAN UGA: Yeah, just remember the beatdown we put on you the last couple of times we played, especially in the SEC Championship game. TROUGH: Oh yeah! You ended up playing West Virginia. I really enjoyed watching you guys hoist the "Team That Played The Best In The Second Half" trophy during the presentation. Gosh, you guys were so close. If only you had had some cheesy gimmick then to pull you over the top. Ooh! What about if after a turnover, Coach Richt would make out with the player that recovered the turnover? ALSO-RAN UGA: I don't know why I even bother. TROUGH: Why, because it's football, friend! I can't really help it if the recent history of your team has been one of tremendous hype, none of which you've really been able to live up to. Despite fantastic talent year-in-and-year-out, this decade-long story ends punctuated with manufactured motivation and sophomoric posturing in an attempt to redefine the conversation. In the end, your team and fanbase caviled until you were rewarded with a kindasorta championship before the season even began, and you pissed that away in a black flurry of overblown swagger. Overall, overalls, I'd say that you've been powerfully irrelevant. ALSO-RAN UGA: I...I... TROUGH: Richt got your tongue? ALSO-RAN UGA: I...have to go now. TROUGH: Wait! Let me fix a drink. I'll pour it right from my Knowshonzone flask. ALSO-RAN UGA: Ugh! What is that? TROUGH: Chili, fool. ALSO-RAN UGA: Do you have a spoon? TROUGH: Is that some kind of lead-in for a makeout session? ALSO-RAN UGA: No - just give me the chili. TROUGH: Why would I do that? ALSO-RAN UGA: You said you were going to fix me a drink. TROUGH: No, I said I was going to fix A drink. I'm going to let you leave like a real Jhwhorejigia fan. ALSO-RAN UGA: How's that? TROUGH: Empty-handed. Hat: 21 Smeared lipstick, running mascara: 17 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.