"HI THERE, I'M URBAN BILLY MEYERMAYS HERE WITH TEBOW-IN-A-TUBE! THIS AMAZING PRODUCT DOES IT ALL! IT'S A FOOTBALL LAXATIVE, GIVING YOU THE RUNS AND THE PASSES! IT CAN BE SPREAD ALL OVER THE FIELD OR SMEARED RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE, AND IT HAS THAT IRRITATING BURN YOU'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM OUR FINE LINE OF PRODUCTS. IT WILL CHAFE YOU...GUARANTEED! I LIKE TO EAT IT BECAUSE IT TASTES CONSISTENT...CONSISTENTLY AWESOME! I'VE INGESTED SO MUCH I CAN'T MODULATE THE TONE OR VOLUME OF MY VOICE ANY LONGER! ALSO, I'M LOOKING TO THE SIDE BECAUSE I'M HAVING TONY JOINER WATCH MY CAR."     For Show-n-Tell-n-Fun-n-Gun day in Tim Tebow's speech class, he gave a "demonstrative" speech on Florida's extremely complex and bewildering offense. He also gave some great tips for tailgating, but no one listened because it's the same old crap. He even brought his Jonathon Lipnicki doll. When no one even moved, the teacher jokingly said, "Oh look, it's the Tiger D-line...no one budged." This teacher's car was later stolen. Leave it to Auburn to ruin a party. Every year, a gargantuan battle looms above all others, presiding over the college football landscape like a fat dude in a cloak, with a wizard staff and a broadsword and a curvy dagger. THIS WEEKEND'S GAME IS THAT FAT DUDE, and in preparation, he made a Chicken McNugget and Chili's Southwestern Egg Roll poboy, then he snorted 7 pints of Dippin' Dots and chased that down with a dozen Zingers and a bowl of Kashi covered in Karo. Mete out your justice, you portly pale guardian! It was nigh a decade ago to the day that Florida came to Baton Rouge ranked # 1, and those tables have been turned. Well, ok, the table was knocked over when Craig Steltz spit on the table leg and the wood melted, leaving the table in a smoldering heap. He also peed a hole through a steel beam on a bet. He of course won the bet, and the Pokemon industry has yet to recover. A whole decade, filled with Wuerffels and Bachelors and Gross-Man, all of whose triumphs laid at the feet of the football gods temple in wreaths of gilded gold and High Life. In essence, their battles contributed to the Gator gene pool...a shallow, wide body of water of the Gatorest blue. From these still waters, a Sabanmaiden emerges to extend the Excalibur of quarterbacks to Sir Urban. TEBOW. A man forged of pure awesome and electricity, borne of a nebula and a vat of diesel, whose bare hands can shape marble and who is a significant contributor to Google Earth, as he often flies across continents just to tote the rock and deliver some ol' homeschooled lickin'. The football gods were pleased with their Adonis; they created a player of such astounding ability, it's as if they entered a cheat code to the game of life and jacked up all of Tebow's attributes to 99. Trying to up his agility on the game results in the game laughing at you, saying, "Tebow's agility can get no higher, you moron." He was their plaything, letting him throw and run and smile and pump his fist and jumpball dink passes and run some more. And then October came. Autumn's scythe ran through Summer's lazy high grain, and the ground was readied for the thunder of the fight. The lower wind's clarion call gave reminder that it was time to put away toys, and as dark clouds gathered, the marshy landscape slowly saw sinkholes open to reveal nests of jorted trash, awake from their slumber. Last season, the jorttrash won the hugest of battles in an epoch-long tussle. Now, fat and full, the creatures began to move to the Valley. A bloody skirmish with the men of the Plains on the way to the Valley revealed that the swamptrash were indeed vulnerable. Nevertheless, the jorted mass clumsily moved towards the Valley...the battle having left their denim looking all the more awesome you know you have to pay good money to get that look from the designers. The gods realized what they had set in motion and sat back, quietly studying the land, and realizing that a new game could be played: destroy the toy. The fiercest warriors stepped forth except for the one with the groin pull, and they donned weathered helmets in preparation for the destruction. Led by Dorsey the Sacktacular, the warriors would let their new cub show them into battle, but they wouldn't let the cub get too close to the trashbeast Tebow, whose sheer enthusiasm for the game is enough to stun about 97% of the animal kingdom. Koalas haven't really been affected, but they haven't gotten really close enough to bathe in his off-tackle light. If they did get too close and tried to clutch to him, he might think they were weakside linkbackers and heave them for a good 3/4 mile. Can you imagine the koala's face? It's like "Ho hum this eucalyptus is awesome, oh hey let me say hello this big hulking manboy hi there fella ...wait...whoa...wait...WAIT...AAAH AAAHH AAAH AAAH." Urban secretes a protective substance that we call "tears," and their Tebow is protected by a thick coat of ESPNvincibility and a shield made of pure boy-is-he-special hype. Meyer Machinations will be set in motion, and so will Percy. It won't matter. Meyer's magic is fading; even a freeze spell on a lowly kicker proved pointless. The gauntlet has been passed. The football gods are thrilled for this meeting as it will be a wonder to watch unfold, but they are most happy that the insufferable jorttrash can finally taste the bitter bile of comeuppance. Under a blanket of black, the battlefield will rise to meet the sky, lifted by lights and the screaming voices of purple and gold. Also, sausage. Autumn is peeking through, but is going to take some time to enjoy a hot day. But it might be time to find some good wood for the rest of the seasons's fire...wonder where we can something to chop up? Anyone know where we can find something with a lot of wood? Hmm...like a big battering ram or something? Tigers: 31 Jorts: 10 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.