Looking for the SEC WARS: The Courtesy Flush? Right here.     Special thanks to lsufreek for the inspiration, and special thanks for the concept to a small bowl of mineral spirits, 4 lemon Starburst, one cooked linguine noodle, Mariska however-you-say that from the CSI show, silver polish, Micro Machines, Huffy bicycles, Tico Torres, slotted spoons, the Nine of Diamonds, pumpkin ravioli, Cutty Sark, the Magna Carta, Wilford Brimley, that guy in front of Red Lobster with the pruning shears, shingles, rickets, rivets, rivers, and trivets.   Awake from ye slumber, gentle reader! That sound you hear is not thunder, nay, it's the gray-haired football fates in front of the High Temple of Gridironica, wearing airbrushed robes and throttling an IROC. It's Florida week, kids! Grab some denim and get some scissors, because partytime coming up lickety-splits and you gots to be ready to watch the rumbles. Get up and go, as the kids say. The hugeness of this game cannot be overstated, but Verne will surely try, and we'll be there in front of the TV, rocking back and forth and filling up our Lundquist teddy bear with the requisite 2 cans of Easy Cheese, which was originally launched as the delightfully named Snack Mate. "When you hug him, he Holtzes!" And Tracy will be there pissing off Les and Urban will be there texting like some sort of bionic jackass and there will be a whole lot of orange...hideous, shrimp-fat orange. This game is just too big to even talk about it normal terms. So to try and put it in perspective, we were glad to entertain an invite from one of Florida's Leading, All-Around, Top University Students: TROUGH: Wow, nice tent. I like the Heisman-shaped plunger you have in that bathroom over there. FLATUS: That was the actual Heisman. That's our athletics building. TROUGH: Hmm. Yeah, I was going to tell you that I couldn't get much suction. Maybe it should be shaped like Colonel Reb? FLATUS: Very funny. Here, have a seat. Welcome to Gainesville. TROUGH: More like LOSSESVILLE when we're done here! Get it?! FLATUS: Sadly, yeah. Is that...that a Noah Brindise Trapper-Keeper? TROUGH: Yes, it's a thought journal. It's where I keep all my hopes and dreams and wonders, and powerful fortunes from cookies, and ticket stubs, and some hair but I don't remember whose it is or where it came from, but it smells kind of like the BRUT. Maybe Jai Eugene gave it to me after the BCS championship? FLATUS: Uh...right. Can I see the Trapper-Keeper? Wow, this protective cover...it's so...oily. [sound of Velcro] There's just an issue of Playboy in here. I guess that's saying a lot about your hopes and dreams. TROUGH: That's only half the story, Jerome Jortsrenovich. You won't find any Tebow in that there spirit ledger. FLATUS: come on now, you have to respect the guy - he has principles. He's a true fighter. I mean, look at that press conference. TROUGH: The one where he cried? Or the other one, where he cried? FLATUS: The one after the Ole Miss game, where he took responsibility and vowed to fight harder than ever and play harder than ever. TROUGH: Ah, got it. The one where he cried. Shouldn't he have had that press conference before the game? Maybe he wouldn't have lost. Then he could have dried his eyes at least - there was probably a towel around. I think that Chris Leak guy had one, that Shamwow! he kept around his waist. How many Tebow tears do you think that could hold? I bet a lot. But I also bet that Tebow's tears are heavy. Don't they have a heavier water or something like that? Do you know if that's just some chemical term or if you like put in a jug against some regular tap water it would weigh more? FLATUS: I have no idea what you're talking about. TROUGH: Are they bottling and settling that stuff yet? Tebowtears? I bet you could put them in a little Filipino-penis shaped bottle and to open it up you would have cut the safety seal. WORKS HARDER THAN ANY NORMAL LINIMENT, I PROMISE! FLATUS: You just wish you had Tebow on your team. TROUGH: We did have him on our team, but his name was Hester, and he actually got first downs on fourth downs. FLATUS: That...that was a tough loss. TROUGH: Did you cry? FLATUS: It was very deflating. TROUGH: You could have asked Tebow to expunge some of that smoke that he'd had blown up his Meyer...maybe inflated you back up to size again? It was fun to pop that bubble...though it sounds like it would have been more manageable with a slow Leak. FLATUS: That will all change this year. You'll see. TROUGH: You mean you've already practiced your suck with Ole Miss? FLATUS: Ole Miss came to play - you know better the anyone that Houston Nutt always takes one somewhere. TROUGH: Boy, do we. Too many times we've had to kneel before Deacon Deviled Ham and receive a stinking ladle of ruminant gut broth from the pot of mediocrity. Oh right reverend, doughy and mealy, we are sorry. FLATUS: Uh...speaking of atoning, what about that Ricky Jean-Francois' comments? TROUGH: Which ones? The ones where he's talking about donuts being better than fritters? I disagree, by the way. Fritters are good. I like that you can use it in other ways, like "the Gators frittered away their season with a loss to Ole Miss." FLATUS: No. His comments have been all over the national news. Where have you been? TROUGH: Just hanging out in my cave, sorting my grommets. Why? FLATUS: Your man Ricky said he if he got a shot that he was going to "take Tebow out." TROUGH: So? FLATUS: So you don't think that's unprofessional? Saying you're going to try and hurt another player? TROUGH: Whoa whoa whoa right there, Jortsan McKnight. What are you talking about? I think Ricky is saying "take him out" - as in a date. Who wouldn't want to date Tebow? The guy runs left and shattered glass re-assembles itself, the guy runs right and somewhere some crops grow. Then when he does that exaggerated "I'm going to run no wait ha - check your junk, fool" and pulls up to pass, the angels cry and they aren't even at a press conference. The clouds are the Shamwow! so when it's raining you know that Tebow has had a good practice, which is funny because he's never had a bad practice. I mean the guy tries harder than any other player, probably ever. FLATUS: You seem to be focusing a lot on Tebow. TROUGH: Sweet! Just give me a BlackBerry and I can coach the Gators! I can call Tebow; he has a phone built into his hand. Saw it last year. FLATUS: We have other weapons. TROUGH: Like this? FLATUS: Is that a scalpel? TROUGH: Ever been to the Phillipines? Smell this. FLATUS: Maybe we should cut this short... TROUGH: You need to quit treating me like a Filipino penis. That's kind of hard to say. Maybe I'll just shorten it...ha! No really, maybe I'll just call it "Filipenis." Kinda sounds like "Phillip Penis." Like Fulmer. Man, I really want a fritter. You know how they say New York bagels taste better because of the water? Do you think that if you made fritter dough with heavy Tebow tears they would taste better? I bet they would taste like a scone or something but instead of an orange glaze, it was covered in kitten kisses. FLATUS: What's wrong with you? TROUGH: Sorry, I'm just preoccupied. I've got some ideas for my book - it's one of the reasons I keep my Trapper-Keeper, so I can chronicle my sojourn, for when I pen my erotic novella. FLATUS: You're writing a book?! TROUGH: Sure am. Was walking around campus and some loon comes up to me, welcomes me to "Gator Nation," whatever the hell that is, and tells me, "Go write the next great American novel." FLATUS: Uh-huh... TROUGH: I said, "Is it a story about getting hammered by Hester one year, and bitchslapped by Scott the next? Because that book is almost finished, Andy Jortswhol." Then I showed him my bra signed by Jesse Palmer. Then I told him about my book and he got all queasy. I was going to ask about how I can join Gator Nation but he was dry-heaving. At least I thought it was dry-heaving. Within a minute or so an alligator showed up and they started making lumpbumblies with each other. FLATUS: What? I don't know what on earth we're talking about anymore. TROUGH: Go start a Fortune 500 company. FLATUS: Ha. Very funny. TROUGH: No, really. Call it "Gross, Man." Sell jorts, but where the cuffs would be, replace them with a tightly bound layer of Filipino foreskins. FLATUS: What? TROUGH: Yeah, that way if it's cold you just rub your jorts a little, and presto! Cargo pants. FLATUS: Look, I've got to be going... TROUGH: I think LSU has to be careful about keeping the ball out of Brandon James' hands; it goes without saying that we don't punt to him, but we have to minimize the time that he and Tebow spend on the field, so I look for a heavy dose of Charles Scott pounding, with Keiland Williams and Richard Murphy trying to hit the edge or through misdirection plays. FLATUS: Holy crap - are you...are you actually saying something that belongs within a conversation about football? Something that's not only cogent, but germane? TROUGH: I made you a money clip out of Filipino 4thdownskins. FLATUS: I'm leaving. TROUGH: RUB IT AND IT BECOMES A FANNY PACK! H8RZ: 27 G8RZ: 21 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.