Looking for the SEC WARS: The Courtesy Flush? Right here.     Helen of Troy, AL. The face that launched a thousand shi...gotta run.   Say there, football gods...uh, when did we fall so out of favor? This was the twist of the knife in the back, but instead of a knife, it's a rusty grapefruit spoon. Oh, and instead of twisting, it's more of a scrape-y ellipse. Anyway, that's where we were. Your poultice for so awful a wound? Send another team from Alabama our way! Did you stop loving us when we rescheduled this game? You do know that we had Weis-flatus-level winds, right? Oh what, we're supposed to play through that, too? Granted, it's possible that said mighty foul winds could push passes to our own lads instead of their lasses, but with no power, there's no ice for the knees of the media after they've met Saban. We personally can't wait for the Cajun MRE, which is a shoebox of boudin in a grocery bag with a mirror and a spork, some duck sauce packets, and a Nilla Wafer wrapped in deli ham. No matter. The Cotton is almost high, which means there's still thrashing to do! This week's opponent are the Trojans from...er...Troy, which is located in...uh...Troy. The Trojans came calling a few years ago; DeMarcus Ware they made quite a contest out of it. But that was like 3 Saban coaching changes ago, so we expect a lot more viciousosity. We don't much about Troy. We're not even sure we know any actual Troyz. In the absence of known Troyz, we have no recourse but to look at unknown Troyz in an attempt to glean information about our foe: Troy Perkins He was so cool and beautiful, all Mr. Football-in-his-convertible, trying to sneak a panty shot of Andy. His rich dad was trying to bulldoze the Goonies' houses, but finally the Hispanic maid found the marble jewels from the galleon after Anne Ramsey and Ralph Cifaretto were trying to stop Josh Brolin and Rudy, who got all the help they needed from John Matuszak, whose character "Sloth" is bronzed atop the Alabama State Breedpit. Troy's jerk attitude got him a water main pressure enema, and his fate was sealed when he threw a coin into a well, wished for a slut, and got Martha Plimpton. Nice going, Troy. Troy McClure The beloved animated character voiced by the late Phil Hartman, this Troy - appropriately - is a washed-up has-been, relegated to awkward, demeaning performances. "Hi kids, I'm Troy! You may remember me from such helpful docudramas as Troy State: WE DROPPED THE STATE, BITCHES and Mr. Mayonnaise: Alabama's Favorite Emulsion Mascot. Cowboy Troy He's coming to your city. He said he would. "Blue 32, down, set, you love football, you're gonna regret, watching this team T-R-O-Y, like bleach in your eye, tell your sandwich goodbye, 'cuz Charles, Tyson, and Trindon, gonna' take those Troyboys a'bendin', so unbuckle the Sun Belt, get ready to play, it's time to kickoff Tiger Beatdown Day." Cowboy Troy Aikman Well, he quarterbacked for UCLA. So did Mark Harmon. Troy now has Joe Buck, and in Stealing Home, Mark had Jodie Foster, who caught Buffalo Bill, who also got beat by Aikman in the Super Bowls. Joe Buck rubs the lotion on his skin. Know who else loves lotion? Kevin Bacon. Are we any closer to truth? What else should we know? Oh, lookie! That Troy's biggest rival is the skyponies of Middle Tennessee State? These teams square off each year in a rivalry game called Battle of the Palladium. Palladium (Pd, 46) is actually a platinum group metal that has many uses, including being an important component of transverse flutes. These are of course different flutes from the pan flute, of which Zamfir is the master, using his considerable skill to magically weave harmony into the melody of the soundtrack of The Karate Kid, which starred Elisabeth Shue, who was in Hollow Man, who was played by...well, you know. That Troy was originally named Troy Normal School? This was presumably to contrast it with the Abnormal School, now known as FIMEDAG, or the Finebaum Institute of Male Exoticdance Despite Ambiguous Genitalia. The founder maintains that just because it's ambiguous doesn't mean it can't have a name. It's name is Sloth, both from the droop and the Baby Ruth texture. Oh, and it's pals with Chunk. That Troy's original mascot was named the Red Wave? That's a much more Alabammer way to say "Crimson Tide." You know, how Alabamerianians say "mayo" or "babutter" instead of "aioli." Emulsions aside, what is it with these teams and their surges of ichor? It's all very Biblical, like naming your firstborn Bryant Saban so that when the wraiths come to claim flesh for the rightful ascendants of the SECthrone, these magic children are the first ones taken, wrapped in duffel bags of cash until they've grown enough hair to cover their eyebrows, which then allows them acceptance into Alabamerianian schools. That Troy's home field is named Movie Gallery Stadium? First, there are adult selections in Section 3, right near the popcorn oil. Second, though the playing surface is AstroPlay, several players describe it as feeling a little "scrushy." That Trojans are a brand of prophylactic? We're sure that the Trojan football team is planning on springing a Trojan Horse of sorts. In light of this prophylactic consideration, we can only assume the Trojan Horse is herpes. BRING IT WHEN OUR COUSIN DESTINY HAD HER BABY WE GOT THE PUREL FROM SAM'S THE BIG JUG. It's time to quit the talking and let the Alabama lady sing her farewell, accompanied of course by pan flute. Jame Gumb might ask, "Oh wait, was she a great big fat person?" Six Degrees of Beating Your Ass: 42 That movie where Brad Pitt was Achilles; oh yeah, Brad Pitt was in Sleepers with...: 17 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.