Looking for the SEC WARS: The Courtesy Flush? Right here.     Nuanced analysis, straight to you in ocular enema form.   THAT WAS VERY MEAN OF YOU, YOU BASTARD FOOTBALL GODS. Stupid tip drills. We think the Tigers went to practice tip drills right after the game, which is why they were unavailable to hold a hokey press conference. No crocodile alligator tears for us, nope. The season bulls ahead like a Bama fan towards a Hostess truck, and we have no choice but to move forward and lay waste* to all in front of us. *Note to Bama fans: the phrase "lay waste" does not mean "copulate with a port-o-let. Sorry to disappoint. It's Spurrier Week...that time of the year when the little boys and girls get to see the Ol' Bawl Coach in all of his scrunched glory. "Mommy, that man's face looks like the bottom of Mr. Lickums!" The boys in purple and gold head to 5 Points to put up 6 points, hopefully on a fake punt on 2nd down. It's kinda like getting to beat Florida by proxy! Since South Carolina is way over dere, it's safe to say we don't know much about dem. Let's go find some stuff out! That the "Wolf's Den" stadium in the movie The Program is really South Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium? The coach in The Program is James Caan, who made another movie about South Carolina football. The tallest landmark on the Columbia campus is the 18-story Capstone House, a residence hall with a rotating restaurant on top? This unique dining experience of eating and spinning allows students at their leisure to feel like they're watching Chris Smelley play. That last year, while some other school was winning the national championship in football, South Carolina was winning the Hunt Seat national championship in women's equestrian? Hunt Seat riding judges the movement and the form of horsies when they jump fencies. When a horsie can jump a fencie fancy, it snaps its knees and leaps with a solid bascule, which is the natural arc that the horsie body, or "turducken," takes going over a jump. It should also be noted that "bascule" is a form of torture where the unlucky person is strapped to a seesaw-like apparatus, buttocks outward, and then repeatedly lifted and dropped. We've been thinking all along that Alabama was the 2007 NATIONAL CHAMPION IN PRETTY PONY ASS SEESAW. Color us mistaken. That South Carolina's second-most bitter rival (behind irrelevance, of course) is Clemson University. The intense rivalry had its first beginnings in 1902, when the John Heisman-coached Clemson team beat Carolina, who had just unveiled the Gamecock mascot. 1902 was the same year that former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond was born, and he outlived most sea turtles and passed away at 167 years old. Clemson has the Strom Thurmond Institute (they don't study turtles, but they should), and South Carolina has the Strom Thurmond Wellness & Fitness Center, the largest student recreational complex in the country, where students can learn moves and get smoothies. The rivalry has now been renamed MALESTROM. That in an ode to their lowcountry wrasslin' roots, the Gamecocks enter their home field to Richard Strauss' "Also sprach Zarathustra?" Former Coach Lou Holtz once tried to pronounce this and flooded over 15% of the city of Columbia, injuring over 40 people and generating damages well over several hundred dollars. That in 2004, former South Carolina Coach Lou Holtz gathered his team around him to give them one of his patented "pep talkth" before hated rival Clemson? Ol' Pappy Lou shared with the boys his spicy cured meat snacks, and to convey that every little bit counts, he regaled his young Carolina team with one of Aesop's Fables, the Crow and the Pitcher. Coach grabbed a pitcher and had a tray of meatballs and neuticles and oddly-scented mottled chunks, some of which he called "gut nibleth" and others were "grimble pebbleth" and then finally small grains he called "man-thand." He "made raspberries" and filled the pitcher with a thick drool, and in came a rooster. As he became more animated, Coach Holtz began putting the large objects in the pitcher until the spit level began to rise. When he added the meatball, the drool overtopped the pitcher and flowed around the rooster, who instantly began to make an awful shrieking noise as its legs began to melt. Within seconds, the acrid smell of burning feathers filled the locker room and players were becoming visibly nauseous. In a fit of spastic prairie rage, Coach grabbed what was left of the rooster and tore it to shreds with his mouth. Players began vomiting everywhere and ran from the locker room, screaming. Moments later some Clemson player made a comment about a puke chunk and a vicious brawl began and there were some sanctions and forfeits and all that other crap. If there is something to take from this story, we would say it's mostly about meatballs but a close second is EAT THIT AETHOP. That South Carolina has a group of fans that "railgate" next to the stadium in railroad cars? These opulently refurbished "Cockabooses" provide a unique place for Gamecock fans to stay while attending the game. Know who else hangs out in railcars? That's right: hoboes. In hobo slang, "goozlum" is the word used to describe something "thick and gummy," like a peptalk. Fittingly, a "gummy" in hobospeak is "one who goes along with the crown but doesn't contribute," much like South Carolina football in the SEC. In addition, current South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier was replaced at that other school by Ron Zook. Hey, look at that...the hoboes even have a definition for "Zook." Jeez, what do you call a guy whose replacement was a "zook?" That current South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier loves golf, and golf has no finer home than Augusta? Shortly after this photo was taken, a Gator fan was seen in the woods, rolling around the ground, all estrous-like. Shortly thereafter, an Alabama fan was seen licking the Gator fan. Everbody wore visors. One guy wore a hat, and his name was Derek. He shot 4 over. He probably played in high school. That the old fleshy meat neckflap on gamecock or rooster is called a "wattle?" A "wattle" is another name for the Acacia plant, which is listed as an ingredient in Fresca. Fresca also contains carob bean or locust gum, which is used as a gelling agent in food. You know, to make goozlum. Anyway, cockfighting was outlawed or whatever but everybody knows it still is run in the back of boudin stores, so go tell that man with the money that Paw-Paw wants to put $100 on Mr. Visor's bird, Cupid's Itch. Get Paw-Paw a Fresca, too. Get ready, hoboes! Slather the axle grease on the banjo, because we're about to cudgel some jungle buzzards in the bazoo! The Hat, bringing up his team that's down: 28 The Visor, ass seesaw: 17 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.