Looking for the SEC WARS: The Courtesy Flush? Right here.     "I have had it with these tonyfranklin snakes on these tonyfranklin Plains!"     "Grandpa, is it true that Jordan-Hare is haunted by the ghosts of crappy calls?" "Yes, HodsonToFuller, yet it is."   Well, well, well. After all of that crap with the gas lines and gorilla penises chainsaws, the good elders have decided to eschew the previous paltry offerings and hand out an MRE full of beneficence macaroni, tacklesauce, and a toaster pastry! Unfortunately, we have to consume the meal on a table draped with a penalty-flag-yellow tablecloth that is blotched with eagle dung (also known as "WAR DIPPIN' SAUCE"). So the Loveliest Villagers decide to throw un grande fete and everybody decides to show up, even the lads from Bristol. Should be a fun party; turn up the mood lighting, make the place look respectable (all of the AU students got to eat double cowpies this week to clean up!), light a good fire, and settle in for a nice quiet night of cursing, drinking, and screaming full-throated at the melee. This rivalry has played out like a SimCity demo set to "disaster" mode...earthquakes, fires, storms, riots, and Auburn's spread offense. The skirmish has fighters punting and punters fighting, onsides and offsides, huge firsts and mere seconds, and blown calls and calls that blow. In a relatively short amount of time, the rivalry has escalated into something special, and by "special" we mean a dumpster of possums and a trashcan of cobras poured into a cage lined with rat traps on top of ribeyes, and after 10 minutes, lit on fire and sandblasted out. This year promises much of same, and we're ready for some good ol' beatdown...or as they say on the Plains, "foobaw." As is our wont, we were able to meet with a Functional Representative of Auburn University's Delegation: FRAUD: Hello...come on in! TROUGH: ... FRAUD: Hi there! [extending hand] TROUGH: [shaking] FRAUD: Ugh, what is this? TROUGH: A cornmeal batter. We put some cayenne in it because we're spicy down on the "bye-yo." FRAUD: You're completely covered - what are you doing? TROUGH: After this interview, we have a playdate with a dunking booth full of boiling canola oil. You think that smell is genetic? FRAUD: Ha! Are you going to shove a stick up your rear, too? TROUGH: No; we'll just follow tradition and let the refs do it. FRAUD: Whatever, man. You know as well as I do that the refs... TROUGH: Catch [throwing] FRAUD: Hey, cool football [squish] - what, what is this? TROUGH: It's a NERF ball. FRAUD: What's it filled with? TROUGH: Urine. And syphilis. And the syphilis has cancer. FRAUD: What on earth is wrong with you? TROUGH: Why, nothing! You should know from your years of LSU fables that that's just how the corndogs do it. Do you know any handicapped people we could shove down, maybe onto some gravel, or into oncoming traffic? Oh, better yet - do you know any special children? Our plan is to throw a petting zoo party and have Barney there, and after awhile start shooting harpoons into the animals. When the kids freak, Barney can then walk over and to calm the children, but when he opens his mouth, he'll start vomiting millipedes and dung beetles. The tail on that costume can hold a lot of dung beetles. FRAUD: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. TROUGH: [extending small jar] Mustard? FRAUD: What? TROUGH: It's for when I'm cooked. So you can bite me. FRAUD: Ok, listen, this isn't working out. Maybe you should... TROUGH: Talk about your new offense? After y'all ditched Gorgeous Borges, I have to tell you, we were really worried about the possibilities of this new offense - I mean, it's all wide open...is it nicknamed "Your Sister's Legs?" FRAUD: We don't have a sister. TROUGH: That was your brother? She...er...he cleans up nicely. I guess the stage name "Opelika Strika" makes a lot more sense now. FRAUD: I don't want to talk about him anymore. Look, back to our offense - it's just going to take some time to get everything situated; it's an entirely new concept. TROUGH: Like showering - and y'all still haven't really embraced that, either. I predict great things. FRAUD: We think we can put up a lot of points if we get it figured out. TROUGH: Oh. I thought you were talking about showering. Wait until you find out what a loofa is. FRAUD: What's a loofa? TROUGH: It's a linebacker for USC, who really clobbered you in that championship game. FRAUD: We didn't play in the championship game, jerk. TROUGH: Wow, I guess that national championship ring had me fooled. Hey, look, it's peeling...wait, is that chocolate under gold foil? FRAUD: Shut up. It's delicious and it's bittersweet, because that represents how we feel about that season. But you and I are talking about our new offense, and we're cautious but excited. TROUGH: Yeah, but you get all lathered about new overalls. FRAUD: New overalls?!? Where? TROUGH: You'll never find them. We hid them in the endzone. FRAUD: I don't have to take this. TROUGH: Take what? THE TRUTH? That your coach is a dirty jerk, that you give the refs gold-covered chocolate, and that your submascot is an eagle named Tiger, and that your submascot's mascot is the Plainsmen? What is that? What is "smen," and why is it "Plain?" Have y'all thought about maybe flavoring it? They have some pretty advanced syrups now...like boysenberry or amaretto. Oooh, what about praline? Or maybe a brittle? BRITTLE-FLAVORED SMEN. It's perfect. FRAUD: Uh, what? I don't know what you're...I mean...I guess I like brittle. TROUGH: Do you know what's not brittle? Kneecaps. Takes a good shot to bang those up. FRAUD: I can't believe we're on this again. TROUGH: What are we supposed to think? I mean, you people throw toilet paper into trees. Isn't that stuff like currency around here? FRAUD: My buddy bought a Wii with a super roll of Charmin Ultra doubleply...it was slightly used. TROUGH: The Wii, or the toilet paper? FRAUD: Both, actually. TROUGH: That's cool, so you had a roll of penalty flags already set for this weekend's game. FRAUD: Sigh. I got to see you play Appalachian State - nice to see that you're scheduling up. TROUGH: Well, we thought it might be nice to play a recent national champion, since we wouldn't be doing that this weekend. FRAUD: I think our defense is going to really beat up your quarterback. TROUGH: Have at it. We have plenty. Actually, our starting guy is very elusive...he has the ability to escape, almost like through some secret Hatch. FRAUD: HAHAHA I GET IT! TROUGH: Mustard? FRAUD: No...uh, your cornmeal batter suit...it's starting to pick up flies. TROUGH: Know what flies? Planes. Planes to meet Bobby Petrino. Your macrotic leader was on the chopping block. Get it? FRAUD: That was a long time ago. TROUGH: 2-3. FRAUD: No, longer than that. TROUGH: Those aren't years. Those are points. FRAUD: That was not representative of who Auburn is. TROUGH: I'm not so sure about that. Everyone knows you're about merciless cheap shot chop blocks and penalties. You're about pom-poms and toilet paper and orange pants. You're about cigars and midfield-stomping and absurd fan stories and "championship" rings and ridiculous lies about our cornmeal crust. All of that crap ain't worth 3 points. FRAUD: I think this discussion is over. TROUGH: I think we have a second left. FRAUD: Get out. TROUGH: Mustard? No need to bring your own toilet paper this time, travelers. The city of Auburn shouldn't run out this week. Tigers: 17 Boysenberrysmen, Motown Philly: 10 Welcome to The Trough, a place that really gets to the meat of LSU's opponents. Ok, not so much the meat, but the sinewy gristle and thick connective tissue. We then feed these funbits through a grinder to get a coarse meaty bounty, and that's what is on display here. It should be a given that while The Trough is loosely related to LSUChicageaux.com, it's more like a Baton Rouge uncle than a Tuscaloosa cousin. In other words, what's in The Trough is obviously not endorsed by any official LSU entity. They've got better sense than that.